We Are Having A.....

Its a Girl!

Before I proceed, I want everyone to know...I really am truly grateful to be carrying a strong and healthy baby. I am grateful for all my kids, for my good health and theirs, and for a loving husband who has the patience to put up with my emotions. This is my blog, therefore the place I choose to express some of my inner thoughts and feelings. If I ever come across negative or ungrateful, its not because that is the way I always feel, but because that is life. And sometimes, I write it down to get it off my chest and then I move on.
OK, with that being said, I kept myself very busy today. I swear I did 10 loads of laundry, and reorganized the kids and my clothing. I started with a yummy breakfast so I would have the energy to keep up with myself. Finally my appointment came. Up till today I've done my best to convince myself it is a girl, just so I wouldn't feel let down. But of course, as much as I did that, I still held on to every drop of hope it would be a boy. So I go into my appointment, Dr. looks, he points out the three little parts that make this baby a girl, and that was that. Here it is pointed out for you all to see.

I stayed pretty composed. There were no tears. Just me thinking, ...."Of course you are having another girl Anna...that's what happens when you want the other so badly!" It happened with the first, it happened with the second, you gave up hope on the third....lucky you....it was a boy. What did you expect?" So we left that appointment and Alex and I drove separate cars home. I just couldn't bring myself to call anyone. I didn't feel excited about it. All I kept thinking about was how Logan would never know what it was like to have a brother. He won't have a brother to toss balls with. No brother to fish, hunt, camp or go shooting with. On top of that, there is the guilt I kinda feel for maybe not trying again. Try for number five???? Its just as much a gamble, and there are no guarantees. I'm not sure my body could take it. OK, it probably could, but really, I feel like being pregnant has taken over who I am. This time its been two years in a row, which is REALLY hard. When I'm pregnant, I have no energy to keep up with the ones I have. Dinner doesn't get made. My husband gets neglected more often that he should. I can't run and play with my kids. The list goes on. To top it off, we really can't afford another one. I know, lame excuse says some, but I refuse to go on "assistance" so that they can be fed. So these are all my "selfish" reasons why I won't be going for number five. So one boy it is. I'm afraid he may get a little spoiled around here. I guess its not too bad for a boy to get smothered by girl attention. There is just something in me that feels bad that I can't give Alex another boy, but logic tells me, it has nothing to do with me. Also, she probably needed to come, because she was not meant to happen in the first place. So I arrived home. I got the kids unloaded then went back out to the car where I couldn't contain myself any longer. I cried pretty hard. I still get choked up when I think about it. Of course, there was no desire to make dinner for my family, so we took our kids out to the local Mexican restaurant in Kuna (WHICH IS AWESOME). I ordered my fave.....Steak Fajitas and Dr. Pepper and dunked my sorrows away with chips, salsa, caffeine, and fajitas! There was an awesome Mexican group of singers there too entertaining the diners! So on to tomorrow. I hope I wake up feeling a bit happier about it. To those of you who know what its like to only get boys, or only get girls, I guess I should just be happy I at least got one huh?